impregnable wall

IMPREGNABLE WALL. That was how my highschool teacher described me in our highschool yearbook. Most of my friends and classmates think I was a tough gal. Sure I am because I don't let boys beat me in anything back in school, I'm a fighter to almost everyone I know. I don't don't easily give up and I don't back down. I don't want people to see me cry, to see me weak, to think of me as someone they could easily run over. I'm not wordy or confrontational, I try to fight through my thoughts because I know once I open my mouth and release all those negative thoughs tears will start to roll down my eyes. You see that tough gal has a heart of a little girl.

A lot of things has been going on with me these days. I'm torn between my responsibilties with my family and my own personal problems. Being the eldest, I feel that I should look after our family but then sometimes I just feel that I am giving too much of myself for them that I tend to forget that I also need to give myself a little attention. I don't like them to always depend on me but I also don't want to make them feel that I'm leaving them behind. I just want to let them know that I also have to help myself before I could help them.

I have been very emotional these past few days because of a heart situation that I have no control with. It's even harder because I've been trying to cry and no tears are coming out! WTF? Am I already an alien? I just hope I could really put my focus into something else - not family, not lovelife, not even myself. For once I just wanna feel real peace inside. For once I don't want to be tough.